i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
ugly people sure do ruin things
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize