I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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