My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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