So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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