i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Randomize
