i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
