Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize