I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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