You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
