Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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