We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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