just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
