Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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