Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
