so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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