I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
