they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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