i jhust puked up my retainher.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
