you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
