when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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