I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
