If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
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