Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
