Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize