Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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