UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
