Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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