tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
