i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
