I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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