My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
