Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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