I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
