I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize