Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
