you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
