if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
