She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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