she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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