the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
