why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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