My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
