i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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