I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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