Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
