I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
