I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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