i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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