Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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