I want to have your abortion
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
There r osticjed everywhere
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
