She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
