While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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