If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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