I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
