Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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