I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
