i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
