there's paper in my vomit.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
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