just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize