Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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