Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
