Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
