my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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