Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
