I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
