Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
