You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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